My outside appearance is not a reflection of how I view myself. I don’t match. My heart and soul have felt misplaced, they belong to a different body. At birth, I wasn’t able to decide how many X or Y chromosomes I was created with, but now, at the age of 28, I’ve made my own decision.
Society’s label for me is as such: female. I don’t relate to that label. I am Blayre. (yes, with a y) I am human. I have a gentle soul, an insightful mind, and an open/generous heart. I have passions, I love food, being social, and animals. BUT. Gender dysphoria has been my life.
Next year, it will be 2020. Since approx. 2008, I have felt different. Painfully different. When I looked in the mirror, what I saw, wasn’t how I felt, or how I personally saw myself. I had had a couple relationships, neither person supported how I felt, when I openly expressed to them my feelings towards my gender dysphoria. There was no support, or guidance, from family or friends. There was only doubt. “You can’t really feel that way!” “Look at you, you were born a female!” “That’s wrong!” Being surrounded by doubt and negativity, I succumbed to what I was told. I let the idea of feeling complete, float away.
Years, months, days, I’ve spent in silence. In my own mind space. Crying, being disgusted with myself. Two years back I experienced the hardest time in my life thus far. My Noni was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, and within six months, we lost her to the disease. At the same time, my ex exposed her cheating to me, and we separated. I felt as though I couldn’t go on. Why, and for what? Death was inevitable, people couldn’t be trusted, and I felt like no one loved me. I moved back home with my parents and started seeing a therapist. It took self-discipline, self-love, and time spent feeling my feelings, being in my own mind space, for my own emotional wellbeing.
It has been a year and a half since, and I can with confidence say that I am whole on the inside. There will never be a time I stop working on myself, but I am confident with who I am as a person. And with that feeling of wholeness, I feel ready to take on the world. Starting with my gender dysphoria. There is comfort in knowing I have a support system, with myself being my biggest supporter. I became an OH advocate this year and couldn’t be more thankful for the beautiful group of humans I am blessed to call Family. OH has sparked my intensity for self-love. My therapist is going to walk step by step with me through this transition, and for that I couldn’t be more appreciative. And, my partner has promised to bring me Burger King while I recoup from surgery. Now if that’s not compassion, I’m not sure what is.
I am more than ready to start this new journey. I am ready to feel whole on the inside, and outside. I am ready to match. I am ready to look in the mirror and literally see what I’ve seen all along. I will no longer pay mind to people who doubt me, or do not support me.
Within the next couple of months, I will be meeting with different surgeons and exploring my options for top surgery. I can’t put into words the excitement I have for when the day comes that I am not saddened by what I see in the mirror. As I make my way through the process of FTM transitioning, I will more than gladly keep my OH family updated.
Self-love is important, and a vital necessity. Listen to your feelings. Have boundaries. Be YOU.
Story submitted Blayre.
