Heroin=1 Me=0

It all started in 2010. Her name was Jessica and she took my breathe away in a hallway. I saw her smile, her eyes and I melted. It didn’t take long for me to shoot my shot. Truth is on the outside she seemed normal. She liked to laugh. We’d share stories of guys at school and how we’d poke fun at them. (We went to school for mechanics and we were good at it). In the beginning just when I started to really like that’s when she showed me a new side to her. She started becoming more comfortable and drinking more and taking part in drugs. Surprisingly I thought I could handle it. She was pretty good at hiding it. The fact was she cared for me, she kept our area clean, she pushed me to do the things I knew I couldn’t do and she supported me. We went strong for 2 1/2 years and things were great/worse every day. Her drinking got so bad and she would mix it with drugs. The truth is every time I think about this now all I recall is the bad. I get flashes of the good and it makes me cry. That was the person I fell in love with, the one who knocked the breathe out of me. The one who always knew the right thing to say and could make me laugh so hard my sides would hurt. She always knew how to take care of me, but she had to because she was the one that was killing me.

At this point in our relationship I just got promoted as well as her. She worked as an assistant Manager at Wendy’s and I was a shift Supervisor for security at Pfizer. One day I get a call from her mother. She asks me if she was on heroin. Truth be told my whole teenage years I was the babysitter at parties. I’ve seen people overdose and watched them tweek out. I’ve gone from giving milk to some one overdosing in ecstasy to holding some one on their side while they were ceasing. I swore that I would never date anyone like that let alone take care of anyone else. So when I got that phone call I laughed. I say no way. She wouldn’t do that she knows how I feel. That next morning when I came home I asked her, while saying and you wouldn’t lie to me right?! She said no I wouldn’t, I am taking heroin. Honestly I couldn’t process it. Why would she do that? Her dad died because of it, her mom will never be off Suboxone because of it and her grandfathers head is a mess due to it. What thought process would bring you to believe this is the path you should be on. I reeled over it, we fought (loudly) for more then I can recall. The fights would drag out on Facebook chats while I was at work. So bad so one day I came home and found her bleeding from her neck on a chair. When I realized she was still breathing I screamed. I didn’t know what to do. I woke her up and told her enough was enough. I took her to the bathroom while we both cried and helped clean her up. This is what life is like with someone who doesn’t value themself, someone who thinks the world could do without them, but I loved her. Why couldn’t she just pick me. Why couldn’t I be her rock, her addiction or her air.

Fast forward to one day at work. She had since quit drinking, I thought that she had been weaning herself off heroin as well. It’s reaching the end of my shift. See we only had one car because hers broke down, so she needed to pick me up. When 8am hit she was nowhere to be seen. This wasn’t that concerning till it was 930am and she still didn’t answer. This was the day she got arrested, and my car almost got repoed. Truth be I didn’t talk to her for 3 weeks to follow, except to say we’re moving back to her family in Maryland. I only ever wanted her to get well. I knew that the path she was going down there were two things that could happen. 1. She could get a bad batch and die or 2. She could end up in jail for a long time. So fast forward to one night in our first apartment in Maryland. I was working an overnight so I was taking a nap in the meantime. I had a nightmare, she had gotten a hot shot batch that killed her and I walked into the bathroom to find her lifeless body. I woke up from this in a panic. It’s the underlying fear being with someone like her. I knew after coming home that one day that I couldn’t survive if I had to. Even after all she put me through she was still my person. So when I woke the bathroom light was on and the door was cracked. The sweat was dripping down my back as I crept to the door. I found her sitting there preparing her syringe. I begged her to stop. I told her about my dream and she just told me to go away. She then pushed me but not focused she didn’t see me still in the doorway. She slammed the door so hard on my head I saw stars. It was bleeding but I didn’t notice. That was the first time we got physical. The fight ended with her on top of me hand wrapped around my throat and her fist in my face, as she whispered “I will kill you.” The look in her eye wasn’t her anymore, it was the disease. Her eyes were entirely void for a moment, then tears welled up and she shot up in the bathroom.

She lived that day, but a piece of me died. You know that song by gnash ft. Olivia O’Brien; called “I hate you, I love you.” The lyrics “you want her, you need her, and I will never be her.” Her is heroin, and I couldn’t compete. 2 months later we were being evicted from our apartment, my car was being repossessed due to nonpayments, and were on the street. While waiting for them to come and get it I called my parent broken, tired and lost. I took the last of my money which wasn’t much rented a U-haul with out the insurance because I couldn’t afford it. Left the car in a parking lot and never saw Jessica (in person) again. That 5 hour ride home I was numb. I cried the whole way, music played but I couldn’t hear it and I just drifted home the New York. The thing is the U-haul I rented was bigger then could be on a parkway. Like I said numb. There were a million thing going through my head. I got evicted, lost my job, lost my car and watched the shell of the love of my life walk away. Suddenly after going 65mph I screeched to a stop. Do you know what happens when 6 ton(maybe more) truck hits a bridge at 65mph? You could literally say my world was shattered. All of the things I had in there which wasn’t much were totaled. My glasses went flying off my face and I stepped on them getting out of what was left of the truck. My phone smashed into the windshield and broke. As I stepped out like something out of a movie it started to rain. Police officers came to me and I just cried. It wasn’t until a woman came, literally shook me and said do you need to make a call that I came to. I called my parents and told them where I was. Honestly I only recall going back to my parents in the back of their car, a shell of myself. Half of my heart and dignity were gone. I walked around my house like a ghost for at least 6 months. Truth is all I can tell you is this, family and friends; You find out whose got your 6 when you can’t get a foothold in that hole you’re in. They stepped up hard, reminded me that I left, that I knew what needed to happen and I did it. The fact is we’re given trials and tribulations throughout our entire life. It’s about who we are when the dust clears. Had you caught before all of this happened I would have not been able to fathom the battle I was about to have, but I wouldn’t change it for anything. The lesson I learned is that love is patient and love is kind, but it’s also painful and it’s also hard. I’ve learned that these drugs take a hold of you and they don’t let go. I’ve learned that I’m not responsible for fixing anyone, I’m responsible for myself. I don’t know if at the end of reading this you’ll take much weight in what I’ve said, but if you take one thing take this. You are not the reason others hurt you. You are exactly who you are supposed to be, never change that. Shine with 100% self awareness and understanding that this life is yours, take it and be wonderful! All in all be a good human!