Hello fellow OH family!
How much of an impact OH has done for me! Where do I start!?
Growing up I thought I had the best child hood! I’m a tomboy so I was always out and about in the wood building a tree fort or playing sports. Going through the trauma as a family that we had gone through, I thought how we handled the situations were amazing & I was truly thankful for it. No matter what my family would always try to do trips whether it was going camping or bend. Something was being planned between the craziness & I always respected that. My cousin was murdered when I was in 3rd grade. The trial was very long with 3 guys involved in stomping his head. Where one of the suspects shoe print was on his head. People called them to a party and him and his buddy got jumped. Hit him with a beer bottle and his head hit the curb & that wasn’t enough they all three needed to kick his head. How life can be so cruel and a game changer at a flip of a switch.
Through that time the heartfelt pour of love from everyone we knew was so powerful! It really helped me get through the difficult time. In that time frame my father was diagnosed with thyroid cancer & was expected 6 months to live. Focusing on the good, love, and support of others around me was a true blessing. I couldn’t change curve balls in my life, but I was blessed with humans that were outside supporters giving us love and comfort. It felt so good when you have no idea what to think or feel. My father wasn’t the easiest person at all. Very stubborn, high tempered, his way or the high way, aggressive. Always thinking about him with a past he has had & then now he was fighting for his life. Huge. Never did I deal with these emotions. It was always keep going. Never regulating. You couldn’t have emotions in my fathers house. “Crying is weakness.”
The intensity of high strung household & not being able to release those emotions as a child is impactful! Being validated for my life. How I felt. I looked up to my father he was my hero. I was always thankful for another year he was still here. I would pray & always be thankful. Even though I would be so angry on how he treated me I would still have in my heart the unconditional love and support. Just who I am. I didn’t realize how it was going to affect me when I was older. As a human you should not be treated in ways. Our lives were always on survivor mode as a family. My father would never speak about his health so we never new how he was doing. It was gut wrenching when I didn’t know how much time I had with him.
I started to notice I was different than others when I was questioning my sexuality. But I had this rush of FEAR! I didn’t think my father would accept me & I know on my life, at that time he wouldn’t have. I wore an equality bag in high school and he freaked. Just how closed in he is. But I took it very far with the emotions I was fighting. Because here is my father who I love unconditionally & I don’t know how long I have with him & I am gay. I didn’t want to live my life him not accepting me. Where I gave my good love to him and what I got back was not good. Not healthy. When I was younger I would just ignore those thoughts. I wouldn’t pay attention to who I truly am because of a guy who couldn’t accept who I am. Who didn’t treat me very nice. It was like a bad relationship. I had an issue of letting go. I didn’t want to. I wanted things to be okay and play this game where others lives were worse & my sister & I have it way better. If they only knew we were humans & we take on just as much life as them. It was always a fight & putting us down. My parents never worked out to release anger. It would be coming at us. When you’re a kid and you just want to love & having parents that don’t know how to handle stress is very tough.
Throughout life I lived in fear, I wanted people to like me for me. My personality is very outgoing with lots of work on that because I love people. I wanted to love my dad. Here I am empty inside and I tried so hard to please others all my life including my parents for them to like/want me. In elementary I told a kid I would buy him something to go out with me. I mean, I was that desperate. I didn’t know how to work with my inner self. The self that was gay but was ignoring who she was really because I was afraid no one would like me. Here I felt all alone I didn’t want to think about what could be next. I didn’t know it was going to be the best thing ever. I was scared & couldn’t take anymore of it. I didn’t want to pay attention to it.
That brought the suicide idealizations. Coming from a place where you couldn’t express yourself in a household was brutal. I didn’t even have a room that was mine. I’ve never wanted to kill myself but when you are struggling I totally understand why. Let me tell you, you are never alone. I am here & I am fighting for others who are struggling. Its pretty powerful and the beauty you have to experience in this world is priceless. Your mental health takes a turn when you are not kind & gentle. That is all it takes. When you are in a hot seat and its hard to put those emotions out there when you are hurting so much or you are so angry. Give yourself time & be kind & gentle. Through my experience it has been that motto. I am a fierce, driven human being who wants to help others. I know how it feels to hurt & to suffer & I want others to know its going to be okay. We are all connected.
School was about friends building relationships that would last a lifetime. I was not interested in education. My brain wouldn’t wrap around it. I always wanted to to be a Teacher. That’s where my heart is at. How can I be that when I don’t have structure. When you are in survivor/fight mode most of your life I never had space for that. It wasn’t important to me. Learning about pie?! How about you learn about both grandparents passing of cancer or your second mother passing away of a heart attack and that same night your aunt passing away of cancer you just found out recently and she was gone. I’m not saying I have had it worse than others, but the grieve/pain/suffering I was never taught I learned with my emotions but I went into deep depression and hit what I believe was rock bottom to learn. It wasn’t cursive. That’s what kills me especially in today’s world where we put each other down to boost each other?! No one is comfortable in positive comments.
Spring was coming and it was softball tryouts. & I was good. But deep down I wasn’t confident enough to play with others that were in ASA that the coach was looking at. So I thought my odds were out and already had two catchers. What I have learned through that because that was something I regretted. I love softball! I love the game & especially playing catcher. I didn’t put my heart on the plate. I just assume that I wouldn’t get picked so I didn’t want to try my hardest and get rejected. Rejection is the best thing you can do for yourself. & I am still working on it. When you don’t put your all what do you have? That is something I am learning & I am hesitant about because I am afraid of getting hurt. I played softball, volleyball, basketball & I wanted to play other sports! By sophomore year I got my first job as a busser/cashier/expediter. I did that all through high school until month before graduating I was sexually assaulted and the harassment in that type of environment was just not worth it. So I stopped showing up.
My senior year was a tough one for me. Anxiety through the roof. I am a spiritual, loving, empath. Who was a over thinker that brought depression. Its killer. How I am still here?! Ignoring my identity. I
I met the best guy ever who I am so Thankful for us crossing paths with. We met buy his buddy hooking us up to the homecoming dance & then he asked me out & we were together until I came out. We still live with each other. Which I am very Thankful for how he took it. Blessing. He has been the best positive influence in my life I can never thank him enough. That’s where I started to stumble. Being mentally challenged and not getting the attention I needed growing up and then to discover myself was so much for me. I skipped more then I showed up to class. I was there to say hello to my friends. I was dealing with so much internally I couldn’t handle what school had to offer. I couldn’t be more grateful for what I have learned as a human being. I believe it is so much more than what is in education these days. You can’t get that anywhere then the experiences you grow from. Yes I have stumbled & that you do in life. I brought up that you are always okay. No, you can say that you are sad or you are mad. That’s whats important in life is to be validated for these emotions. Being Kind & Gentle.
After high school I had no plans because I was dealing with high anxiety. I couldn’t handle how my body was. Being a person that was raised not being able to express emotions I held it internal which took a huge toll on my brain. My depression started getting worse and I started to isolate myself more and more. Having an outgoing personality & seeing people was okay. It has been dealing with my inner self and being true to who I am. That’s been my struggle. Pleasing others so I don’t have to deal with emotions that are uncomfortable to me. That’s all about life is getting out of your comfort zone. Flat land is boring. But my life has been overwhelming already and I didn’t have space/energy to realize that until later in life. My inner child was not happy with me. That’s your best friend & you have to have a bond. Its the most beautiful experience/feeling you can have. I am so Thankful! Thank you so much God!
I’m was a girl that was in her room for a year and didn’t speak to anyone. Would only say two words. That’s all I could do. I was just putting on an attitude. That’s how serious depression is. I never expressed compassion because I wasn’t taught it I learned from who I am as a human. Whats right to me. & that’s the way to go . Learning my experience and coming from a place where I would get my emotions out by music & I have busted my tail to be where I am at. I couldn’t thank enough for where I am at and the open door OH has brought me. Truly blessed & so thankful to meet people that I connect to.
I have been super fatigued/out of shape & that’s what I am working on & I am very excited. I want to be healthy & I want to show people by being kind&gentle you can do amazing things for yourself. Yes the world we live in is very prickly. Doesn’t mean you need to be that to yourself. & that’s what I used to do . It takes a lot of attention, God, trust, growth, faith, and gratitude. All these goodies! Its like a warm soft blanket covering you! So nice. Its building a better me & learning more about myself. I am falling more & more with myself. It’s so exciting. Never knew I would be living this life. Focus on what you want and it will happen with work. & its been such an incredible experience.
Adversity is a blessing & a curse. You put yourself in it you need to get yourself out of it. Something we don’t ask for. I didn’t ask for things happening my life. Those emotions that you feel through it that’s what you need to take care of. That’s yours to nourish. Very important. Building a better me.
Its very hard with the misery I have put myself in. That’s depression. I said I wanted to stay. That’s what it took for me to get a grasp on the situation. I think to myself is this real life. To express myself & live my authentic self doesn’t get better than that. No money could every amount to that! Best gifts ever!
Much love to everyone! Patience! Baby steps- day by day!
